Storm King's Thunder

Why is there only one chair in this castle?

Ahem, hello there. I assume that if you are reading this, then your life is utterly boring. Expected. Predictable. Allow me to bring some excitement into your life.

I am the illustrious Avaran Oakshade! This particular story begins with me and, um, my "companion" in the town of … well, it doesn't matter. It's not so much a town anymore. More a heap of debris? Something about some bumbling giants, and they stole some giant rock that these peoples value. (Who knows why? Surely, they must be positively mad. Yes, both the giants and the peoples—the ambiguity is deliberate!) Some fellow who's name is irrelevant to the tale asked me and my companion to deliver a letter, letting some harlot know that her no-good ex-husband is dead. I'm sure that she'll be positively overjoyed! 

What is my companion's name, you wonder? I also wondered (but not for long, honestly) this. Something with a "W", perhaps, for "Who cares?" Hah hah! I am hilarious! For our purposes, let us simply call her "harpy-person." You see, apparently she has these wings of sorts that allow her to fly. No, she's not covered in feathers. But I can likely find some and a bucket of tar to change this … 

We set out on this errand and ran into a giant cloud castle thing! Harpy-person had the (not) brilliant idea to ascend the staircase. I followed reluctantly. At the top we ran into two unconscious fellows. Call them "goliath-person" and "ordinary, dull, human person." I suspect that they were utterly wasted at some point and blacked out, somehow ending up in this cloud castle. Evidence for this? Goliath-person ducked behind a curtain and defecated all over the floor. Ale shits, I'm positively sure of it! No one's bowels yield that sort of substance without an outside influence. 

Unsurprisingly, the resident of this cloud castle was not pleased. His name is "Zippy," and boy is he annoying. He also has this billowy beard, and I suspect that he's compensating for something. That, or it serves as a distraction from the fact that his castle has only one bloody chair! Zippy kept going on and on about how he doesn't have guests often, and blah, blah, blah. But Zippy really is an inconsiderate fellow. He was trying to impress us with the visions he had through his "minds-eye," and in communion with some old dwarf fellow. (I must be the only persons not on drugs in this place.) Zippy's spirit dwarf told him that we—great adventures! What a joke!—were to be visiting. But if he knew this, then why didn't Zippy get some more chairs? 

Oh, get this! Then some weird people show up flying giant birds, and they attempt to persuade Zippy to join them and their leader to, I don't know, put on a musical or something. It must have been something with the theater, because they gave Zippy some pixie dust. And do you know what this buffoon did? He floated upstairs, snorted it all, and passed out! You know, it occurs me that if Zippy spent less time getting high, and more time decorating his castle, then he would have company more often, wouldn't be so lonely, and wouldn't feel the urge to get high in the first place. That'll be 500 gold, Zippy. I just saved you years of therapy.

There are also no trees in Zippy's castle. So unfortunate … did you know that the whole universe is contained in a single leaf? I spend lots of time looking at leaves. You should too!

Till next time! — Avaran


zaxehammer mjaugustin

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